Life is overwhelming. I want to be able to pull out my hand writing journal and write about the last couple of weeks, but it's all overwhelming. There's too much to say, too much I'd have to catch up on. I want to be able to sit down and do a bunch of homework tomorrow, but I can't. I have to work tomorrow, which is odd (since I usually don't work Tuesdays), and it makes me sad because I won't be able to go to devotional.
I was chastized by a friend just today for something that hits close to my heart. A way that I act and a way I talk about things or just am. I don't really feel like listing specifics, but it was a slap in the face. All through class I couldn't get it out of my head, and it's still not out. I don't want to be angry at him, because I know he's right but at the same time the guilt I feel and the sadness... ugh.
Why can't I simply lay down and look at pictures of my beautiful horse and my family and Virginia and forget about going to work tomorrow? Forget about facing the world and the problems Mary has. I feel like I've been trying, but then I realize I haven't been trying hard enough. Plus today, I realized that I truly DO have a food addiction and I need to begin working on it. I went to Food Addicts Anonymous and ordered some pamphlets about it so I'm hoping I can get started.
I miss Virginia, I miss my family... Taleea's Dad is reading aloud (on speaker phone here in our room) a letter from Taleea's sister. She's having a hard time being away from her family, how the heck am *I* suppose to live for a year and a half without my family?! I'm really having a hard time right now and I've only been gone for a little over two months! Plus I don't know if I can ever live without my horse again. It is 10 times harder than I thought it would be. Being without horses really sucks, and my horse especially.
Plus, I need my family. I want to be able to talk to them about my social and friend troubles. I want to sit around our kitchen table after dinner and have end-of-the-world discussions. I want to sit on the couch in the trailer with the lights off while Sarah sits in the recliner and talk about problems and people. I want to ride double with Sabina and talk horses because she's the only one who understands. I want to connect to a Network and play Team Fortress with Stephen and David even when I'm not that good. I want to see Laura and hug her and watch movies with her and be extremely irritated by the way she keeps fast-forwarding and rewinding. I want to ride in the car with Dad and listen to him tell me that the gospel is true and that he knows that this truly is the path to eternal life... and then I want to listen to him sing Bluegrass songs and the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" with his country twang. I want to sit and talk to Mom, because she always listens and always helps me to see my faults and resolve to become a better person. And I want animals! Life really truly sucks without them. I perk up now when I even SEE a picture of ANY animal, not just horses! I miss them all... Dixie, Lady, Princess, Ashes, MALIK! Justin! Chickens! I miss family hugs... I miss family prayer... I miss the green of Virginia's lush scene. I have to admit that if I didn't have the gospel, my life would suck out here; I wouldn't be able to do it. I know the Lord hears and answers my prayers and comforts my heart and strengthens my resolve to do better and to forget about Virginia and my Family for a little while so I can keep pressing on here. He is there and he guides me, I know it. If I didn't have that support and comfort, I would be nothing and I'd be home already.
Ugh, now I need to go do New Testament homework.
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